We often talk about emotional intelligence like it’s a personal trait, but it’s also deeply shaped by culture.
From a young age, boys and girls are given different messages about what’s acceptable to feel, express, and value. For many men, emotional growth wasn’t discouraged violently—it just wasn’t invited. Here’s why emotional intelligence is so often underdeveloped in men, and how that happens slowly but surely over time.
1. Boys are often praised more for control than curiosity.
From the start, boys are more likely to be complimented when they “keep it together” or “shake it off” rather than when they reflect or ask emotional questions. Being stoic gets praised. Being emotionally inquisitive often gets overlooked or subtly redirected.
So, they learn to link value with restraint, not reflection—and after a while, asking deeper questions about emotions starts to feel unfamiliar, unnecessary, or even uncomfortable. Curiosity, which is key to emotional growth, is replaced by self-containment.
2. Emotional discomfort is often redirected into activity.
Many boys are taught to “do something” with their feelings—go play football, take a walk, hit a punching bag. Physical outlets are encouraged over verbal or emotional ones, even when the feeling isn’t physical in nature. This trains the nervous system to treat emotion as a thing to move past, not sit with. While movement can be helpful, it’s rarely enough on its own to create emotional insight or connection.
3. Empathy is rarely modelled by male role models.
For generations, men in movies, sports, politics, and family structures were shown as decisive, unemotional, and dominant. Vulnerability was either punished or saved for dramatic plot twists—not seen as something to carry daily. When boys grow up without witnessing men having nuanced, emotionally grounded conversations, they’re left guessing how to do it, or assuming it just isn’t for them. You can’t imitate what you’ve never seen modelled safely.
4. Emotional self-awareness is framed as weakness.
Statements like “don’t overthink it” or “stop being soft” might seem harmless, but they create a feedback loop. Boys learn that slowing down to name their feelings or check in with themselves isn’t masculine—it’s indulgent or excessive. That conditioning leads to emotional blind spots, not because they don’t feel deeply, but because they were taught to push through instead of pause. Self-awareness requires stillness. And stillness has been framed as weakness for many men.
5. Caregiving skills aren’t always nurtured in boys.
Girls are more often encouraged to nurture—through babysitting, emotional check-ins, or managing group dynamics. Boys, meanwhile, are nudged toward independence and toughness. Empathy isn’t always in the curriculum. So, when they enter relationships or parenthood later in life, emotional care might feel foreign. That’s not because they’re incapable, but because no one helped them practice. Emotional fluency isn’t innate—it’s taught.
6. Anger is often the only emotion men are permitted to show.
Frustration, sarcasm, or rage are often seen as more socially acceptable than sadness or fear. These emotions don’t challenge traditional masculine roles—they reinforce them. So boys learn to funnel everything through irritation or withdrawal. As time goes on, this leads to emotional oversimplification. Complex inner worlds get flattened into grumpiness or silence, and the real emotion—the one underneath—never quite gets named out loud.
7. They’re often expected to be fixers, not feelers.
In families, work, and friendships, men are often trained to provide solutions—solve the problem, offer advice, get things back on track. Sitting in ambiguity or holding space for feelings can feel unnatural if you’ve been raised to respond with action. However, not all problems need fixing. Some just need witnessing. Men who haven’t been shown how to hold space without rushing to repair often feel inadequate or frustrated in emotionally charged moments.
8. Male friendships are rarely built around emotional intimacy.
Many male friendships revolve around shared interests, banter, or activities, not emotional depth. Vulnerability isn’t always welcome. Sometimes, it’s even mocked or met with discomfort. As a result, even men with active social lives can feel emotionally isolated. They may have people to watch football with, but no one they feel safe crying in front of. That subtle disconnection can run deep.
9. Asking for help is often shamed, even if not overtly.
Boys often grow up hearing that strength means doing things alone. Independence is seen as maturity, while asking for emotional support is painted as weakness or incompetence. This mindset can follow them into adulthood—where they avoid therapy, downplay mental health struggles, or internalise shame for not having it all together. Emotional intelligence, which requires openness and humility, can’t thrive under that kind of pressure.
10. The emotional bar is often set painfully low.
When a man expresses basic vulnerability, he’s often praised for it—not because it’s rare, but because it’s been culturally underdeveloped. “He opened up once” is seen as growth. “He went to therapy” is seen as revolutionary. This low bar can discourage deeper work. Men might feel like they’ve done enough simply by showing basic emotional awareness, not realising there’s an entire landscape beyond it. Without cultural encouragement, many stop at the first layer.
11. Emotional intelligence is often gender-coded as feminine.
Words like “empathy,” “intuition,” or “emotional literacy” are still quietly linked to femininity in many environments. That doesn’t just shape boys—it limits them. It suggests that being emotionally attuned means being “less of a man.” So, they keep their emotional range hidden, or they frame emotional insight as something “other people do.” It takes a lot of unlearning to realise emotional intelligence isn’t a threat to masculinity—it’s a deeper expression of it.
12. Emotional needs are treated like a burden.
Some boys are raised to believe that needing reassurance, connection, or comfort is an inconvenience. Even when people offer care, there’s often an unspoken pressure to bounce back quickly—don’t dwell, don’t make it awkward, don’t be too much. As a result, men might downplay their emotional needs, or feel guilt for wanting deeper support. They’re left with hunger they don’t know how to name, and uncertainty about whether it’s even okay to ask for more.
13. Many boys learn to read external cues, not internal ones.
Boys are often trained to watch other people—don’t upset your coach, don’t make mum cry, don’t be “that kid” in class. They learn to manage other people’s emotions, but not always to track their own. Their attention is turned outward, not inward. Emotional intelligence starts with inner awareness. If you’re never asked how you feel, only told how you should behave, it becomes harder to connect the dots between emotion and action. The internal landscape stays fuzzy.
14. Emotional growth is framed as optional for men.
In many cultures, men can live entire lives without ever being pushed toward emotional self-awareness. No one demands it from them—not friends, not employers, not even partners at times. It’s treated as a bonus, not a basic skill.
So, while women are often expected to do the emotional lifting in relationships, men can coast without ever doing that internal work—until something breaks. Then they’re left without tools they were never taught to build. That gap isn’t accidental. It was shaped from the start.
