Sometimes the simplest question—“Are you okay?”—can feel impossible to answer. It’s well-meaning, but for someone struggling, it can sound a bit vague, a bit loaded, or like there’s pressure to say “yeah, I’m fine” even if they’re falling apart inside. That’s why it helps to have other ways of checking in—more grounded, human phrases that don’t put people on the spot but still let them know you’re paying attention. Here are some everyday ways to ask how someone’s really doing, without making it feel like a test or a spotlight.
1. “You’ve seemed a bit off—do you want to talk about it?”
This one is simple but honest. You’re saying what you’ve noticed, without pushing too hard. It gives them room to speak up without making them feel judged for being quieter or different lately. It also makes it clear that you’re not fishing—you’ve genuinely picked up on something, and you care enough to ask. That matters more than saying the “right” thing.
2. “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Sometimes people aren’t even sure how they feel until someone gives them space to talk through it. This question is open-ended and laid-back, and it lets them steer the conversation in whatever direction they’re comfortable with. It doesn’t assume anything; it just opens the door and waits. That alone can feel like a lifeline to someone who’s been sitting in their own head for too long.
3. “How’s your energy been?”
This one sounds casual, but it’s often more revealing than a direct “how are you?” Energy levels tend to drop when someone’s struggling, so it can be an easier way for them to open up without naming every emotion straight away. It also avoids the pressure of saying, “I’m good” when they’re clearly not. People can talk more freely when they don’t feel boxed in by surface-level small talk.
4. “Do you feel like yourself lately?”
This question cuts right to the point without being confrontational. Sometimes the hardest thing to admit is that you don’t recognise yourself right now, and this gives them a safe chance to name that without judgement. It also shows that you’re not just asking to be polite. You’re paying attention to who they are underneath the autopilot answers.
5. “You’ve had a lot going on—how are you holding up with all of it?”
Instead of asking about their mood in general, this question ties it to what they’ve been carrying. It shows that you see their load, not just their face. It’s more validating than asking if they’re okay—it reminds them that what they’re feeling makes sense, given what they’re dealing with.
6. “Has anything been feeling heavier than usual lately?”
This phrasing acknowledges that life has weight. It’s a soft invitation to talk about the stuff that’s felt harder, without putting them on the spot to define it as a ‘problem.’ Sometimes people don’t know how to start talking about what’s wrong, but they can name what feels heavy. That’s a good enough place to begin.
7. “What’s been the hardest part of your week?”
This takes the focus off “how are you overall” and narrows it down to something manageable. It encourages honesty without feeling like they have to sum up their whole mental state. Plus, it reminds them that you’re interested in the messy, unfiltered parts, not just the highlight reel.
8. “When’s the last time you felt like things were okay?”
It’s a gentle way of saying: I sense you’ve not been yourself for a while. However, instead of asking them to explain their current mood, it lets them go back to a time that felt easier, and talk from there. It’s a softer, more memory-driven question that can actually help people connect the dots between then and now.
9. “Are you sleeping alright?”
Sleep is often the first thing to go when someone’s anxious or low, and this question is specific enough to give you a window in. They might not want to say, “I’m not coping,” but they might admit they’re not sleeping well. That’s a more honest answer than “I’m fine” and often leads to deeper conversations once the door is open.
10. “Want to hang out or do something low-key together soon?”
This might not seem like a question about how they’re doing, but offering presence and company is sometimes the best check-in there is. It says: I want to be around you, even if we don’t talk about the hard stuff right now. It gives them the option to connect in a way that doesn’t require them to explain everything. For some people, that’s the safest starting point.
11. “Do you feel like you’re coping, or just surviving right now?”
This question doesn’t ask for a performance—it allows for honesty. Lots of people are “managing,” but only just. Giving them permission to say they’re scraping by is sometimes what helps them finally breathe out. It also helps you understand how to support them, instead of assuming they’re fine just because they’re functioning.
12. “You’ve been really quiet lately—want to talk about what’s going on?”
Noticing a change in someone’s behaviour, and calmly pointing it out, can be a great way to show you care. You’re not calling them out, you’re just saying, “I see you.” It works because it’s specific. It doesn’t feel forced or fake—it’s just an honest observation from someone who’s paying attention.
13. “Is there anything you wish people would ask you right now?”
This one gives them full control. Maybe they’ve been dying for someone to notice something, but they don’t know how to bring it up. Maybe they don’t want to talk at all, and that’s fine, too. It tells them they’re allowed to guide the conversation, instead of being put on the spot. That kind of trust matters.
14. “Have you had a proper moment to breathe lately?”
This question isn’t about what they’ve been doing, it’s about how they’ve been feeling. It gets under the surface without needing them to name a big emotion right away. It’s also a way of showing empathy. You’re not just asking out of curiosity—you genuinely want to know if they’ve had even a sliver of space for themselves.
15. “What’s something that’s been bothering you, even if it feels small?”
Sometimes people don’t open up because they feel like their problems aren’t big enough to talk about. This question makes it clear that you care about the small things, too. It gives them permission to vent, unload, or share something they’ve been holding in—not because it’s dramatic, but because it’s real.
16. “If I could take something off your plate right now, what would it be?”
This question changes the tone from emotional digging to practical support—but it still checks in on how overwhelmed they might be. It says, “I want to help, and I don’t expect you to do everything alone.” Sometimes when someone feels buried, even being asked this question can be a comfort, whether or not they take you up on the offer.
17. “Do you want to talk about it, or just have someone sit with you for a bit?”
This gives them both options: to talk or not to talk. You’re saying they don’t need to explain themselves to be worthy of support. They just have to be there, and you’ll be there too. For someone who’s hurting, knowing they don’t have to put on a show to be cared for can mean more than anything else. Sometimes presence is the loudest kind of love.
