We’ve all seen those pastel-coloured Instagram squares with swirly fonts proclaiming that “everything happens for a reason” or “just choose happiness.” While positive affirmations can be helpful tools for a lot of people, there’s a fine line between healthy optimism and what psychologists call toxic positivity—the excessive and ineffective overgeneralisation of a happy, positive state across all situations.
When affirmations dismiss genuine struggles or suggest that complex problems can be solved with simplistic thinking, they can actually make people feel worse. These popular “affirmations” in particular are ones that often do more harm than good.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
This common phrase might seem comforting on the surface, but it can be deeply hurtful to someone experiencing genuine tragedy or trauma. Suggesting that there’s some grand cosmic purpose behind losing a loved one, experiencing abuse, or suffering through illness can invalidate real pain and prevent healthy processing of uncomfortable emotions.
A more balanced perspective might acknowledge that while humans naturally look for meaning in suffering, sometimes bad things happen randomly, and it’s okay to simply acknowledge that something painful has occurred without needing to find a silver lining.
“Good vibes only.”
This trendy mantra has become shorthand for shutting down any expression of negative emotions. When someone is struggling with anxiety, grief, or disappointment, hearing “good vibes only” sends the message that their authentic feelings are unwelcome and that they should suppress anything that might bring down the mood.
Emotional health isn’t about maintaining constant positivity; it’s about experiencing the full range of human emotions and learning to process them in healthy ways. A more supportive alternative might be: “All feelings are welcome here.”
“Just think positive!”
This affirmation puts all responsibility on mindset, suggesting that changing your thoughts is enough to change your reality. For someone facing systemic issues, discrimination, illness, or economic hardship, this advice can feel dismissive and blaming.
Positive thinking has its place, but it works best alongside practical action, systemic change, and genuine emotional processing, not as a replacement for them.
“Never give up.”
Persistence is generally admirable, but sometimes letting go is exactly what someone needs to do for their wellbeing. Whether it’s an unhealthy relationship, a career path that’s making them miserable, or a goal that’s no longer aligned with their values, there are plenty of situations where giving up is the wisest choice.
This affirmation can trap people in painful situations by making them feel that moving on equals failure, rather than recognising it as growth and self-care.
“If you can dream it, you can achieve it.”
While dreams and goals are important, this affirmation ignores the very real barriers that many people face. Not everyone has equal access to resources, opportunities, and privileges that make certain achievements possible.
A more honest approach would acknowledge that hard work matters, but so do circumstances, timing, privilege, and sometimes plain luck. Dreams are worth pursuing, but we can be realistic about the factors that influence our paths.
“Don’t worry about what other people think.”
This sounds empowering but can be terrible advice in many contexts. Humans are social beings, and healthy relationships require considering how our actions affect other people. Plus, feedback from people you trust is often valuable for our growth.
A better approach might balance self-trust with openness to feedback: “Consider different perspectives, but make decisions that align with your values.”
“Money doesn’t buy happiness.”
Usually said by those who have enough money to meet their basic needs, this affirmation dismisses the very real stress and suffering that financial insecurity causes. Research consistently shows that money does indeed improve wellbeing up to the point where basic needs and some comforts are securely met.
A more balanced view acknowledges that while endless wealth pursuit may not lead to fulfilment, financial stability is a legitimate and important goal for wellbeing.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Trauma researchers would strongly disagree with this one, as Psych Central points out. While some people do experience post-traumatic growth, many others develop PTSD, depression, and anxiety disorders following traumatic experiences. Suffering doesn’t automatically make someone stronger—often, it just hurts them.
A more compassionate perspective recognises that healing from tough experiences takes time, support, and resources. It’s not an automatic process, and it’s okay to need help.
“Just be yourself.”
While authenticity is valuable, this vague advice offers little practical guidance. Which “self” should someone be? The self that blurts out every thought? The self that’s working on being more patient? The self from five years ago?
People contain multitudes, and we’re constantly evolving. A more helpful framing might encourage alignment with core values while acknowledging that personal growth often involves change.
“No bad days.”
This toxic affirmation suggests that having a bad day is somehow a personal failure rather than a normal part of human experience. It creates unrealistic pressure to maintain constant positivity and can lead to people hiding their struggles.
A healthier approach accepts that hard days are normal and don’t need to be reframed as good; they can simply be acknowledged as challenging parts of life’s rhythm.
“You create your own reality.”
While our perceptions and choices do influence our experiences, this affirmation vastly overstates our control. It can lead to self-blame when faced with circumstances genuinely beyond our control, from natural disasters to systemic discrimination.
A more balanced view recognises that while we can influence many aspects of our lives through our choices, we exist within larger systems and circumstances that also shape our realities.
“Happiness is a choice.”
This problematic statement ignores the biological reality of conditions like clinical depression, the impact of trauma, and the very real effects of life circumstances on emotional wellbeing. While we can develop practices that support emotional health, suggesting that happiness is simply a matter of choice oversimplifies complex human psychology.
A more helpful perspective might acknowledge that while we can build habits that support wellbeing, emotions themselves aren’t directly chosen, and that’s perfectly normal.
“Leave the past in the past.”
While dwelling endlessly on past hurts isn’t helpful, neither is dismissing their impact. Our brains and bodies store experiences, particularly traumatic ones, and healing often requires acknowledging and processing the past rather than simply trying to forget it.
A more nuanced approach recognises that making peace with the past is a process that takes time and often requires understanding how past experiences continue to influence present reactions.
How to find a bit more balance
The problem with these affirmations isn’t positivity itself; it’s the way they oversimplify complex human experiences and inadvertently shame people for having normal emotional responses to life’s challenges.
Truly helpful affirmations acknowledge the full range of human emotions, respect the complexity of life’s challenges, and offer genuine comfort rather than toxic dismissal. They make room for both hope and struggle, optimism and realism, growth and acceptance.
The time you’re tempted to share one of these problematic phrases with someone who’s struggling—or with yourself—consider whether you’re offering genuine support or simply trying to paper over pain with pretty words. Real emotional health includes space for all of our experiences, not just the positive ones.
