Some friends tick all the boxes—they show up, they check in, they seem like the kind of people you should feel lucky to have around.
However, every now and then, you walk away from a catch-up with them feeling off—like something’s being taken instead of given. The truth is, not all “good” friends are good for you. Sometimes, the friendships that look healthiest from the outside are the ones quietly exhausting you the most. Here are just some of the reasons why that might be happening.
1. They’re always supportive—as long as you’re not doing better than them.
Some friends are brilliant when you’re struggling. They’re full of encouragement and care. However, when things start going well for you—when you’re thriving or achieving—they suddenly go quiet, dismissive, or weirdly competitive. It’s subtle, but you notice it. They’re comfortable being your rock, not your cheerleader. And that imbalance can start to shrink how much of your happiness you feel safe sharing.
2. They need to be needed.
They’re always helping, always stepping in, always offering support—even when you didn’t ask. On paper, they seem incredibly generous. However, underneath, there’s pressure to stay small so they can keep feeling important. This type of friendship often comes with strings. The help only flows one way, and over time, it starts to feel more like obligation than kindness. You end up stuck in a dynamic where growth feels like betrayal.
3. They’re great at listening—until the conversation turns to you.
They’ll tell you everything they’re feeling, thinking, and going through in detail. However, the second you try to share something of your own, the topic changes, or they jump in with their version of the story. You might leave conversations wondering if you’re selfish for needing space to talk, but you’re not. A good friend makes room for both voices, not just theirs on repeat.
4. They never call you out, even when they should.
Some friends avoid conflict at all costs. They’ll never challenge you, never question your choices, never offer tough love because they want to stay in your good books. At first, this feels easy and drama-free. However, in the long run, it can leave you feeling unmoored. A real friend doesn’t just hype you up—they help you grow, even when it’s uncomfortable.
5. They make everything a team decision, even your personal life.
They want to weigh in on who you date, where you move, what job you take. It looks like concern, but it starts to feel like you’re constantly asking their permission to live your own life. It’s one thing to ask for advice; it’s another to feel pressured to run everything past someone so they don’t take it personally when you don’t follow their lead.
6. They’re always “just joking” at your expense.
Teasing is normal in close friendships, but when the jokes only ever go one way, and they start making you feel small, not seen—that’s a red flag. Especially if they get defensive when you say you didn’t find it funny. It’s not that you’re too sensitive. It’s about respect. If your discomfort is constantly brushed off, you’re being asked to laugh at your own expense to keep someone else comfortable.
7. They expect access to every corner of your life.
They want the details. All of them. Not out of nosiness, but because “that’s what close friends do.” The problem is, it leaves no room for privacy or boundaries without feeling like you’re hiding something. Healthy friendships have space. You shouldn’t feel guilty for keeping some things for yourself, or for sharing them on your own terms.
8. They always show up, but only on their schedule.
They’re generous with time, energy, and support—when it’s convenient for them. However, if you need something at a moment that doesn’t suit them, the excuses roll in fast. You start to realise their dependability isn’t about loyalty—it’s about control. They’re happy to help when it keeps them in charge of the dynamic, but not when it costs them something real.
9. They subtly compete with you.
They’re happy for you—kind of. But there’s always an underlying need to one-up, match, or outdo. You mention a small win, and suddenly they’ve done it bigger, faster, or better. It doesn’t always come from a bad place, but it can leave you feeling like there’s no room for your joy. The friendship starts to feel like a scoreboard, not a safe space.
10. They make their kindness conditional.
They’ll do favours, show up, lend support—but only when you’re being “the version of you” they like best. The moment you express frustration, anger, or boundaries, they pull back. It becomes clear that their care is transactional. You’re expected to stay agreeable to keep their friendship. That pressure doesn’t come from love—it comes from control.
11. They want loyalty, but not accountability.
If you call them out, nicely or otherwise, they act hurt, confused, or distant. But if the situation were reversed, they’d expect you to listen, apologise, and fix it. This creates a lopsided friendship where you’re the one doing the emotional heavy lifting. You’re loyal to a fault, while they get to avoid taking a hard look at their own behaviour.
12. They make you feel guilty for growing.
You change your habits, change your mindset, or pursue something new, and suddenly they seem less close, less supportive, maybe even a bit cold. It’s not always obvious, but it stings. Good friends grow with you. If someone’s only rooting for you when you stay the same, it’s worth asking whether they liked you, or just liked how you fit into their version of things.
