We’ve all heard the phrase “inner work,” but what does it actually look like?
It’s easy to assume that working on yourself is all about reading self-help books or meditating in silence for hours, but in reality, it’s about a deeper understanding of yourself, your actions, and how you interact with the world. People who have done a lot of hard graft when it comes to the baggage they carry and the issues they have often radiate calm, confidence, and authenticity, and their actions speak louder than any words. If you’re wondering what these behaviours look like, here’s how you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone has done the hard work within themselves.
1. They own their emotions without guilt.
One of the clearest signs of inner work is someone who can openly feel and express their emotions without shame or guilt. They don’t suppress their feelings or hide behind a mask of “everything’s fine.” Instead, they acknowledge what they’re feeling, whether it’s sadness, joy, frustration, or excitement, and allow themselves to experience those emotions fully. They know that feelings are a natural part of being human and don’t judge themselves for having them.
2. They listen more than they speak.
These people know the value of listening. They understand that truly listening to someone else, without interrupting or planning their response, is one of the most powerful ways to connect with people. They don’t feel the need to dominate the conversation or make everything about them. Instead, they listen actively, offering space for everyone around them to share and reflect on what’s being said. Their focus is on understanding, not on proving themselves.
3. They take responsibility for their actions and words.
Instead of blaming other people or external circumstances, someone who has gone the extra mile to deal with their issues takes responsibility for their actions, words, and decisions. They’re able to own up to mistakes without defensiveness and are quick to apologise when necessary. They recognise that they can control their responses, but not everything around them, and they act with integrity, owning their part in any situation, good or bad.
4. They’ve set healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries is a major part of inner work. People who are comfortable with themselves know their limits and aren’t afraid to enforce them. Whether it’s in relationships, work, or social situations, they know when to say no without feeling guilty or selfish. They understand that their time and energy are valuable and that protecting them is necessary for their own well-being. Healthy boundaries help them maintain balance and peace in their lives.
5. They don’t take things personally.
A huge part of working on yourself is realising that people’s behaviour is more about them than it is about you. Someone who has made a lot of progress in this area understands that when people act in ways that are hurtful or frustrating, it usually reflects their own issues or struggles. Instead of taking things personally, they are able to detach and not let anyone else’s actions define their self-worth. It makes them more resilient and less affected by negativity.
6. They’re not afraid to say, “I don’t know.”
One of the most refreshing signs of inner work is when someone admits they don’t know something or can’t offer a solution right away. They’re not afraid to show vulnerability or admit when they’re unsure. That openness shows maturity, as they understand that there’s always more to learn, and they’re not trying to appear infallible. They’re comfortable with uncertainty and embrace the process of learning without needing to have all the answers immediately.
7. They’ve let go of the need to control people.
If someone is still trying to control or change the people around them, they likely have some inner work to do. Those who’ve already done it know that they can only control their own actions and reactions, not other people’s behaviour. They accept people for who they are, without trying to mould them into something different. They embrace the beauty of individuality and focus on their own growth rather than micromanaging someone else’s life.
8. They respond instead of react.
When life throws challenges or unexpected situations their way, these people don’t immediately react in anger, frustration, or defensiveness. Instead, they take a moment to pause, breathe, and reflect before responding. They’ve learned how to give themselves the space to respond mindfully, rather than impulsively. This helps them maintain their peace and deal with situations in a more composed, thoughtful manner.
9. They forgive — not for the other person, but for themselves.
Forgiveness is one of the most powerful aspects of inner work. It doesn’t mean condoning bad behaviour or letting people walk all over you; it means releasing the emotional weight of holding grudges. People who’ve put in the time and effort are able to forgive, not for the benefit of the person who hurt them, but for their own mental and emotional peace. They understand that holding onto anger only harms them in the long run, so they choose to let go and move forward.
10. They embrace their imperfections.
Instead of striving for an unrealistic ideal of perfection, those who have done inner work accept and embrace their imperfections. They know that they don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love, respect, or success. They see their flaws as part of what makes them unique, and they approach their imperfections with compassion rather than judgement. That self-acceptance leads to more confidence and less stress in everyday life.
11. They find things to be grateful for, even when life is hard.
People like this tend to have a regular gratitude practice. Whether it’s writing in a journal, taking a moment to reflect on the good things in their life, or just mentally noting things they’re thankful for, they know the power of appreciating what they have. Having a meaningful gratitude practice helps pull their focus away from what’s missing and towards what’s abundant in their life, keeping their perspective positive and grounded.
12. They’re not afraid to ask for help.
Asking for help doesn’t make you weak; it shows strength and self-awareness. People who’ve done inner work know that they don’t have to handle everything on their own. They’re not afraid to reach out when they need support or guidance. Whether it’s therapy, talking to a friend, or getting advice from a professional, they recognise that asking for help is an act of self-care, not a sign of failure.
