The world is rough sometimes, and it’s important to have a bit of mental and emotional armour to protect yourself from the cruelty out there. However, a lot of the defence mechanisms we put into place don’t just serve to keep us safe — they actually keep us disconnected from the people around us. As a result, we miss out on close, meaningful, healthy connections because we’re so terrified of letting our guard down. If you’re guilty of these habits, chances are you’re pushing some good people out of your life along with the bad stuff.
1. Keeping your feelings to yourself
You might think that keeping your emotions locked up is a way to protect yourself from getting hurt, but all it really does is create distance. When you don’t share what’s on your mind, people can’t connect with you on a deeper level. Not expressing your feelings to people you trust leads them to believe you’re closed off, or worse, that you don’t trust them enough to share your vulnerability. Opening up to people doesn’t make you weak; it helps them understand where you’re coming from and makes it easier for them to be there for you when you need support. It’s natural to want to guard your emotions, but bottling them up can create barriers in relationships, leaving you isolated and more likely to feel misunderstood.
2. Setting unrealistic expectations
By expecting too much from people, you might feel like you’re protecting yourself from disappointment. But the truth is, setting unrealistic standards only sets people up for failure. When someone can’t meet your expectations, they end up feeling frustrated or inadequate, and you end up feeling let down. This creates a cycle where everyone feels like they’re constantly falling short. Instead of setting people up for failure, try adjusting your expectations to be more realistic and attainable. Give people room to grow and make mistakes. The more realistic your expectations are, the better your relationships will be, and the more support you’ll get in return.
3. Pushing people away when they try to get close
You might think that distancing yourself from other people will protect you from getting hurt, but what you’re actually doing is pushing away people who could care about you. When you shut everyone out, it prevents real connection and leaves you feeling more isolated in the long run. Closing off emotionally or physically when someone tries to get close may feel like a form of protection, but it only builds walls. Allowing people to be there for you isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength and trust. It might feel scary at first, but opening up to those who care can help you feel supported, not vulnerable.
4. Being overly independent
Being self-sufficient is a great quality, but if you never rely on anyone else, it can create a barrier to deeper relationships. People want to feel needed, and if you push them away by constantly handling everything yourself, you’re inadvertently telling them they don’t have a place in your life. It’s natural to want to be self-reliant, but it’s important to remember that interdependence—relying on one another for support—is what creates strong bonds between people. You don’t have to give up your independence, but being able to lean on someone when you need to will only make your relationships stronger.
5. Always staying busy
Filling up your schedule might make you feel like you’re avoiding vulnerability or responsibility, but it can also keep you from truly connecting with people. When you’re constantly on the go, you miss opportunities to slow down and build meaningful relationships. While it’s great to have a full calendar and stay productive, you also need to make time for the people who matter most. Relationships take time and effort, and if you’re always too busy to give them the attention they deserve, you risk pushing everyone away without even realising it. It’s important to find a balance between work, personal projects, and making space for the people who bring value to your life.
6. Avoiding conflict entirely, even when it’s necessary
Trying to avoid conflict might seem like a way to protect your peace, but it often leads to unresolved issues and frustration. By not addressing problems head-on, you leave things to fester, and that can create tension and distance in your relationships. While it’s true that conflict can be uncomfortable, it’s an essential part of healthy communication. Avoiding difficult conversations might keep things peaceful in the short term, but it prevents resolution and growth in the long term. When you face conflict in a calm, constructive way, you can strengthen relationships, build trust, and prevent the buildup of resentment.
7. Holding petty grudges
When you hold onto the past, it can feel like a way to protect yourself from being hurt again. But all it does is keep you stuck in negativity and prevent you from moving forward. Letting go of grudges allows you to heal and create room for healthier, more open relationships. By clinging to ancient history, you’re essentially choosing to stay emotionally tied to someone or something that’s already hurt you. Instead of letting that negative energy control you, try forgiving, whether or not the other person ever apologises. Forgiveness isn’t just about them—it’s about freeing yourself from the weight of carrying around old wounds.
8. Being too guarded with your time
You might think that protecting your time by keeping it to yourself helps you stay in control, but it can make people feel like they’re not a priority. People want to know that they matter to you, and when you keep your time tightly guarded, it sends the message that your relationships aren’t important. Relationships require time and effort. If you never make time for anyone, they might start feeling like they don’t matter to you. Being selective about how you spend your time is important, but being overly protective of it can create distance between you and those you care about.
9. Overthinking every single conversation you have
Constantly second-guessing yourself can feel like a way to avoid mistakes, but it often leads to unnecessary distance. When you overthink every word or action, it can make you seem distant or unsure. Overthinking interactions causes you to focus more on how you’re coming across than on what the other person is saying or feeling. Relaxing and being more present in your interactions will allow people to feel more comfortable around you. If you’re constantly worried about saying the wrong thing, you miss out on the real connection that comes from being genuine and in the moment.
10. Giving vague answers
You might think that by keeping things vague, you’re protecting yourself from revealing too much, but it actually creates a wall. When you don’t offer clarity, people can’t understand where you’re coming from. Vague answers leave people guessing, which makes it harder for them to connect with you on a deeper level. It’s understandable that you might want to keep some things private, but being clear and direct with people helps them understand your boundaries and thoughts. By providing more transparency, you open up the space for more honest and meaningful conversations.
11. Always putting other people’s needs before your own
While it’s great to be considerate, constantly putting everyone else ahead of yourself can lead to burnout and resentment. If you never take care of your own needs, you’ll eventually start feeling disconnected from yourself — and other people will notice that too. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and if you’re always focused on everyone else, you risk neglecting your own well-being. It’s important to make time for self-care and to express your own needs, both for your own sake and for the health of your relationships. People who truly care about you will want to see you thrive, and they’ll support you when you take care of yourself.
12. Not asking for help, even when you desperately need it
You might think that asking for help makes you weak or vulnerable, but it actually shows strength and trust. By refusing to ask for help, you’re shutting people out and denying them the opportunity to support you. People like to feel needed, and when you don’t ask for help, it makes them feel like they’re not a valuable part of your life. Whether you need help with a task, emotional support, or advice, asking for help strengthens relationships and builds trust. There’s no shame in needing people; it’s what makes us human and creates deeper connections.
13. Using humour to deflect serious conversations
A bit of banter can be a great way to lighten the mood, but if you use it to avoid serious conversations, it can prevent meaningful communication. When you deflect important topics with jokes, it sends the message that you’re not open to vulnerability. While humour can ease tension, constantly relying on it to avoid addressing real issues keeps people at a distance. Embracing serious conversations and allowing yourself to be real can help you connect on a deeper level. Vulnerability often leads to stronger, more authentic relationships, where both parties feel comfortable being their true selves.
